December 31, 2016: Day +41

It is New Year's Eve, but I am not ready for this holiday, like I was not ready for Christmas, but for some reason it was easier for me to slide into Christmas.  Perhaps because of all the hope that comes from knowing that God is with us.  For that reason, I am  reminding myself of that fact and working toward living into God with us and allowing in the changing of the new year without much fanfare. 2016 was not a bad year for us.  It was full of hope and dreams for new life.  I did not know it would end so tragicly with Doug laying in the hospital paralized from the neck down and only able to swallow tiny pieces of ice chips.  Ironically this may be the first night that I am laying down to sleep that I am not afraid he may not make it till morning.  For the most part, in this moment, he is stable. Stable is very different than what I would have called stable a month ago.

Starting 2017, with Doug in this condition, is leaving me little room for wanting to set New Year's resolutions.  The only real resolution I have right now, is to do whatever I can to keep Doug alive and to give him his life back. And even that is questionable.  Each day the doctors talk to me about "our plan".

Still, I got up this morning, did a few chores around the house and started for the hospital.  I stopped at Starbucks to pick up coffee to take with me.  Yesterday I did the same thing.  There was a line of cars yesterday.  I became lost in my concerns for Doug as I waited.  When I pulled up to the window the woman said, we tried to get your order but you did not respond.  That was because I was not really there.  I explained to her my husband is in ICU and I apologized for being so distracted.  She was very sweet.  She said your coffee is on us. I was very touched.  Today I pulled in again.  This time I ordered and when I got to the window the clerk said the woman two cars ahead just bought your coffee and bought you a $25 gift certificate.  I was surprised.  The clerk look surprised too.  I said "Well, she may be a friend".  Again I was not paying any attention to what was happening around me.  I told the clerk that perhaps it was someone who knows my husband is in ICU.  He said "Oh, what is your husband's name? I will pray for him."  I was so touched.  Then when I came into Doug's room a nurses aide was with him and talking to him.  She was giving him ice chips.  We greeted each other when I came in.  She said how much better Doug was doing and that she had been praying for him.  I thanked her and told he that meant so much to both of us and Doug said "Amen!"

Perhaps God knew that I needed this boost this morning and the experience of God in others this morning.  Because all these little things made the day brighter and were only a few of the sweet things that happened today.  The SLP was in and she started giving Doug 1/2 tsp of water today and showed me how I could do this, along with positioning his head and prompting a swallow. This was a big step forward.  Doug was more talkative this morning.  He was able to form sentences and could be understood.  Then our friends Ludee and Ted came by with canned, home made, spaggetti sauce.  And Ludee being an OT I asked her for a little help with Doug, to give me some recommendations on how to get him moving.  Ted talked to Doug about a scripture passage and Doug could recite the passage from memory. Then our friends Lisa and Doug came by and sat and talked with Doug and I. He enjoyed the visits. He was tired them and slept for a while.  Then my sister Kate brought over some Chinese food and Fr. Dave showed up.  We had a toast for the new year.  About 9:00 Doug told us that he wanted to go to bed.  He wanted the TV turned off and he wanted the lights out.  He was kicking us out.  Instead of being offended, we were delighted.  He was talking and taking some control over his environment.  Overall it was a good day.

Tonight Wayne is working with him again.  We chatted many times before we left.  Doug is in good hand and so I will sleep.

It is time to pray.

Holy One, this calendar year is coming to a close and a new year is beginning.  What is time to you?  Do you mark time?  Or is this just a human construct?  With all our limitations, we wonder when, how long, or how soon?  You are not limited by time.  Knowing this I still ask, please heal Doug.  Give him his body back, so that he can move and control it.  Give us courage in the days to come to face the challenges before us with the spirit of hope and trust.  And Lord,if  it is your will, help us to live in joy and expectation and in anticipation for the year that is to come.  Amen.